Friday, November 18, 2005

Christmas Lights Be Damned



I have a cool Christmas tree.

It is fake, and prelit.

Well it was supposed to be prelit, and in fact it was last year. This year, not so much.

So I got it out on Tuesday, figuring, I would get it all ready to go, take my time, instead of the usual hurry, put it up, I usually do. Yeah, Murphy's Law is back
and is out for revenge, Murphy style!

I put the tree together, all the while I have a set of two year old eyes on me, watching my every move.

"Wobyn, what's that?"

"It's a Christmas Tree"

"Oh. Why?"

"Er, um, because it is?"

"Ok, lets plug this in so you can see the pretty lights."

"Ok, Wobyn."

Find plug. Plug plug in socket. Stand back.

"S'it Bwoken Wobyn?"

Meanwhile I am chanting in my head words no two year old should ever hear, let alone around a freakin Christmas Tree. (my thoughts are in blue, since I was cussing a blue streak in my head.)
"Shit. Why are they not working. Crap it is only working 3/4 way up the tree. Well this is gonna be a bitch to figure out."
"Wobyn?"

"I don't know why it's not working Mo, guess we will have to figure it out."

"But whyyyyyyyyy?"

"I don't know Mo, hmmm, maybe we should just leave it be for right now."

"Who bwoke it?"

"No one, it is ok, I will fix it, probably need a new bulb."

"Ok Wobyn."

Me being still miffed at the non working pre lit tree, glare at the tree. Hoping that by sheer will power, the lights will light, the Christmas will be Merry, and all will be right. Funny thing about willing something to work. It does not work.

So the tree obviously mocking me, refused to be lit all the way. Much grumbling later I decide to leave the god forsaken un-merry Christmas tree alone, and just stew about it, and try to figure out how the hell to fix it.

I decide I need to buy a replacement bulb. Should be that simple, eh?

NO. Of course not. Nothing is ever simple, ever.

I get the stupid replacement bulb, ignoring all the boxes of lights, that are laughing at me from their cozy little shelves, and figure I have the cure for the sick fake tree.

I come home, rip open the package of bulbs, of which you have to buy a pack of like ten. Plug the traitor tree in, find the bulb that is not lit, but has one lit next to it. I pull out the old bulb. Put in the new bulb, and wait for the choirs of angels to start sereneding me in the form of a fully lit tree in my living room.

All I hear is snickering, and evil laughter, that must obviously come from the tree itself, or maybe Murphy himself.

"Son of a bitch."

"Christ on a cracker."

"Why will you not work damnit. I command thee to work, work work work."

Yes, I was talking outloud to the tree. Doesn't everyone?

Silence. Lights 3/4 the way up the tree working. Tree dark on the last 1/4 of the tree.

Did I mention it is the top of the traitor tree that is not working. Sticks out like a homeless man in a posh restaurant humping the matre'd's leg.

I almost strangle the damn tree.

"I hate you tree. You are mocking me, die tree scum, die."

Yeah that didn't work either.

So the tree is still not working. I still cannot decorate it until I figure out what the hell to do with it. I have my father in law coming up to check it, since he is knowledgeable in all things Christmas lights, and electric.

So far the score is:
Traitor Tree------3
Robyn-------------0