Amazing....

I love the way people can get upset about literally nothing, and decide they can tell you what to do.  In my life I have had things happen that were not pleasant. I have been i therapy for at least 10 years to help overcome some of these things, and learn how to process all if it in a more positive way.  I have gone through cognitive behavioral therapy.  Put up suitable boundaries.  I have back slid on those boundaries every once and a while, with consequences that would end up teaching me the reasons I had the boundaries set up in the first place. 

This year that all changed.  

After what I will call an unfortunate event, I decided to make the boundaries, concrete.  Reinforced even.  The blockade was put up, to protect my family, and myself.  It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I shed no tears, felt no ill will towards those who may have inflicted pain, or emotional hurt on me.  It was well in my past, and I had intended to keep it there.  Until saturday evening.

One phone message, full of threats.  Threats over nothing.  Nothing.  Let me repeat NOTHING.  No posts on social media about you and yours.  I let the message slide.

Sunday.
Father's Day.

Call 2 in 2 days, and 3 harassing in total of colorful messages.
Same caller as the day previous, with even more threats, including legal action. Again, NOTHING has been put out in social media.  This is the only place that closely, but not all the way mentions you and yours.

So in short I have been harassed, by people who arguably could have had a lot of police intervention from about 1969-until present.  Not against just me, but 4 other people, presumed friends, etc.

If this should get to my child, I will be forced to take legal action, in the form of a restraining order, maybe a divorce (not from my husband), and the door to any form of a relationship in the future, nailed shut forever.  

So let me repeat in words one might understand--No contact is to be made, if it happens, I will pursue all legal avenues to make sure it is never done again.  I hope that is clear enough for you.
   

A Terrible Morning

Today in the city of Cincinnati, an officer got shot and killed in the line of duty. The suspect, gunman was also shot and killed.

Guns are not the answer to any problem one might have, aside from hunting.  We are a nation that hunts itself.  We need stricter gun control laws, but people bitch about it being against their rights as a citizen.  Do you know what is against anybody's right as a citizen?  Being shot to death.  Whether by cop, or perpetrator, on accident or on purpose.

I no longer feel safe and comfortable in this country.  This country never addresses the real issues.

Racism.
Sexism.
Freedom to marry whomever you choose.
Freedom from religion.
Greedy business practices that keep the poor poor, and the rich, richer.
Health care--genuinely affordable health care.
And the list can go on.

If we never address these issues, then we will continue down this path of hate and destruction.  When are we going to sit down and say, yes racism still exists, it never left, it was hushed?  When are we going to sit down and actually work on it?  If we leave it be, it will never change.  It will be the same--if you are white skinned you will mostly be ok, but if you are any other shade you are an automatic target.  You are considered criminal before you even open your mouth.  What kind of society thinks that that is ever good enough?

You know who scares me?
White conservatives with hatred in their hearts, blood lust on their minds, and no real education.  White folks who riot when their team wins or loses a game, and yet it called something other than a riot.  When a white person shoots up a church, and people don't call him a thug, because in all honesty, he is a thug.  We are allowing the future generations to be bathed in the shit that is hate, arrogance, entitlement.  

We are a country of idiots.  No one wants to get better.  No one tries.  The government doesn't even try to fix any of this.  We have a police force trained to use violence.  We have a society trained to use violence.

When are we going to have a society that thinks, before it acts?
When?

Have We All Lost Our Minds?

I feel like this country is going backwards.  We have white police officers shooting black males, in the back and claiming self defense.  We have some ignorant bowl cut moron go in and shoot up a church.  We have a white lady passing herself off as black.  The rich are getting richer, the middle class is getting poorer, and the poor--everyone wants to drug test them to see if they deserve help....how is that even ethical?

I can't help but feel like this country has hit the reverse button.  Everything that could be good, and should be done is not.  We have children who are starving---for attention, love, and for food.  For medical care, housing and the necessities of life.

We have children being brought up in a school system that focuses on test scores, and not learning.  Common core, instead of old fashioned learning. Memorization, instead of actual education.  We have school systems that want tax levy's passed, and when they do, it is spent on things that are not going to help the kids.  Hell they don't even help the teachers, administration--at the school level-- and other staff.  We do not train our teachers or para-educators how to interact with children who are different from the neurotypical.  Instead of being proactive, they are reactive.  They label kids who are different as thugs and trouble makers, and essentially let them slip through the cracks, and that crack slipping doesn't stop once you have graduated.

If you have slipped through the cracks--no it should be giant crevices, in 12 plus years of "public" schooling, you will continue falling.  Very few are able to recover from this pattern that was set up by administrators who sit on their asses all day not giving a shit if little Johnny, or Little Jane have an actual need. No they are more concerned on how to get more money from the government, who frankly has no clue how to educate, raise ethical decent people.  Schools have become another business venture.

I have seen many children who need help, flail and fail in this system.  My child was almost one of them, except that I am a pain in the ass for the administrators.  Still even though I am fully involved in my sons education, we had to threaten a lawsuit to get him into the place where he currently goes to school, and thrives.  It shouldn't be that hard.  Placing this burden on the child, and the parents, is unnecessary and unfortunate.  Most of the kids that need help are passed from grade to grade.  Does little Bobby know how to read?  No.  Okay we will pass him to 3rd grade and wash our hands of him.  Little Cindy has bruises, won't look you in the eye, has a head full of lice and tells you how her mothers boyfriend puts hot sauce in her mouth as punishment.  When you tell the school admin, they say we will look into it, and nothing gets done.  It's like the slash and burn of our forests.  That generation that we desperately needed to keep the country, world thriving, is gone down a rabbit hole, where if they are lucky they can escape, but most likely will get caught in the cycle of violence, hate, despair, that leads to where we are right now.

Fucked.

Very Fucked.   

Invisible me

When I am around you, I am invisible.  You say nothing to me, you act as if I am somehow not worthy of your time, yet you entrusted me to a special gift, something that filled me with joy and happiness.  And now the time has come to say goodbye to this time and you make me feel like dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.  Today was the worst, and I am left feeling empty and devoid of affection, appreciation and any type graciousness.

Thank you for making me feel so small and insignificant. 

2 years

Two years.  A lot can happen in two years.  In two years we became a family of four.  In two years my biological son got the older brother he never knew he wanted or needed.  In two years I became the mum of two boys, so vastly different that it allowed me to see things I might not of seen ever.  In two years my heart grew so big, that at times I thought it might burst at times.  In two years I was inspired by my new son to do things I never did--I ran a 5k, me.  I don't run unless it is for coffee or doughnuts.  In two years I learned that not every disagreement would be met with meltdowns and huffiness.  In two years I learned that even though he is not of my womb, he is definitely of my heart and soul.  In two years I saw my son grow and flourish because of the presence of my second son.  I have learned that teenagers are strange creatures, that are unpredictable, cool, amazing, and just plain weird sometimes.  I got to glimpse into the world of a neuro-typical child, and it was the same and different all at the same time.  I became a sports mom, which I learned is probably not my forte, as I yelled at the coach for yelling at Nao.  Whoops.

I am so fortunate to have had these two years.  I think I am the luckiest mum around.

Thank you Nao for being my son, nephew, inspiration and friend.

I love you, no matter what!

Trying it again, this time with vigor!

I feel the need to write, though I can't promise I will be doing it everyday.  I miss being able to pour my emotion out into the ether, and have it pass from me.  Words are powerful.  Words make me happy.  Well, my words make me happy.

It is Spring Break for me, and of course the weather is shit.  Snow!  Cold!  Muddy!  I miss the beach, the warm breeze on my face.  Instead, I am stuck in the groundhog day of weather.  Same thing, over and over again.  Just get warm damn it!  Man if that were enough, we would have warm weather everyday!

Today, I will be "fixing" my car.  The handle on the hatch broke off.  You can't open it without said handle.  I am rigging it, so it will work.  Perks of owning a car versus leasing.  It won't be pretty or elegant, but really it only needs to work.  Just like most everything.

Despite having a full time job, and making a little money, we still are in not great financial shape.  The shape is more pear shaped.  Something always comes up.  Always.  Wish I could figure out how to make the finances more stable/reliable/whatever.  I wish I had a money tree.  Or a benefactor.  (benefactors apply here!)

I am back in contact with a couple people from my past.  It is exciting to see them again.  Talk to them, have fun with them.  I love having friends who get me.  Think I might just be a little cool, and worthy of time.

This is a stream of consciousness, or some silly shit like that! 
Happy Tuesday.

My guts, they hate me

Ugh.
Past 3 days have been shitty.  Literally.  Not sure what is causing it, but I would like it to stop.  Maybe it is nerves which in turn causes my IBS to act up.  Maybe a virus.  Not sure but it is not pleasant. 

I wish that if it were having the IBS, it would cause me to lose weight.  Sadly this never ever happens.  Up until my surgery I had been working out at least 3 times a week, an hour at a time.  I lost maybe 7 pounds.  I am not sure why my body doesn't like to lose weight, except maybe to mock me.  I watch what I eat (well before the surgery mind you), work out, stopped drinking soda, and still no dice.  Frustration.  I see why people give up.

So if you are reading this, where are you from?

I knew it would blow up

Dear Family,
I have let you go from Facebook because I do not feel it makes our relationships stronger.  I feel it makes them weaker. 
Every little post is over analyzed and commented upon. 
You see the things I post and it makes you angry and think I am overzealous, self-pitying, overly dramatic, etc.  I see the posts you make, and I feel the same exact things.  This does not make for a strong relationship.
In the beginning I though it would be a great way to keep in contact with everyone as spread out as we all were.  Everything was shiny and new and bright, like a freshly minted penny.

And then the first bit of tarnish appeared--a weird post here, a strange like there, and it began to build up. 
We crazily mixed politics with family, opinions with well wishes, back handed compliments with true concern. 
In short, that shiny penny was no more.

So I fell back.

Pushed back what I wanted to see to only very important things, and allowed you only what I wanted you to see of me.  The tarnish slowed down.  I thought it was a great middle ground. 

And I was mistaken.

It took one set of comments back and forth for me to realize that no matter what I said, you couldn't tell if I was being sincere or snarky.  If I was being mean, or dramatic, or just trying to be the opposite of you.  That once shiny new penny was now a crusted over piece of crap.  It had no value.
And so I did what I thought was right, ethical.  I let you go from my portion of Facebook.  No goodbye cruel Facebook post.  Just gently let you go, like a cloud in the night.  It was a difficult choice for me, but I know you won't see it that, and you don't see it that way.

I know this because you,  family are going on and tittering and making fun of the "overly dramatic" me.

Not one of you have even stopped to consider that maybe you should email me, and see what is going on.  See why I made the choice I made.  You all assume that I am being a brat.  No one sees that I did this for a sense of self preservation. 
That I thought this was the best response to an impossible situation.

I think that is what makes me saddest of all. 
You all have assumed the worst and decided it is easier to poke fun at me than actually talk to me.  Pretty much nailed into place what I had in the back of my mind about my family of origin.  I have never really felt like I had a place in the family and this pretty confirms it.  I no longer want to be a part of this.  It makes me sick to think the only family I can count on is the family I married into (great people) and my family of friends.  I feel sad for my son that his maternal side of the family is going to be non-existent.  That his grandparents will miss out on so many things.  But I have to do what I think is best for him, for me and my little family.

So Facebook is now just a place for friends.