You have not lived until you have.......

You just have not lived until you have put a pair of wire cutters in your mouth. Willingly.

So today, as I am doing my thing, you know house bitch work, I feel something jiggle in my mouth, on the right side, way in the back, on the bottom. Instantly it hit me---(thinking to myself, but not actually speaking outloud, because that would just too flippin crazy! Purple indicates thoughts. Red indicates all others speaking to me, got it? Good!)---

"A freakin bracket must be coming off, great."

I go to the mirror in an attempt to prove myself wrong, as I so desperately hoped I would be wrong. Open my mouth, and look.

"Shit, shit, shit."

I feel it with my tongue, all the while looking in the mirror like some daft moron. It wiggles, up, it wiggles down, it wiggles side to side.

"Crap, crap, crap."

Find the phone number for the freaking orthodontist, because if I wait until tomorrow they will not be there. Call Rob first, because he has the damn car.
"Are you gonna be gone all day?" fingers crossed he says no.

"Not sure, but I hope not. Today was just supposed to be a half day on location, why?"
"I need to call the ortho, one of the brackets came off my teeth."

"Oh. Make an appointment for late afternoon."

"Duh, I know that. I will call you back when I get a time."

Hang up. Call ortho. The only appointment time they have open is 1:20.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, thank god they cannot hear my thoughts."

Make the appointment, hoping I can get someone to take me there. No dice. I call back, cancel the appointment, ask for one next week. No dice. They are not in my location until the 28th, which is when I have an appointment anyway.

"Fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuck-fuck." Again glad no one can hear my thoughts.

"Is there anything I can do until then? "

"You could put wax on it. Or you could just slide the bracket off the wire. I would do that. Try to get the bracket off the wire."

"Er, um, Ok then."

"Call us back if you cannot get it off, or if you decide you want to go to another location next week to get the bracket taken care of."

"Alrighty then, thanks." For nothing, thanks for nothing.

Go to the bathroom. Do the open mouthed moron bit again. Move the bracket off my tooth, very easy to do. Now I have a god damn wire just waiting to poke into my cheek, my gum, my tooth, the road, etc.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do about that? They didn't tell me what to do about the damn extra long pokey wire hanging in the back of my mouth. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Furious thoughts going through my mind at warp speed.

"Scissors. Try to cut it with scissors. Try not to cut anything else with the scissors."
Open mouth. Insert scissors. How many times have you done this? Anyone? Yeah that's what I thought. Never. Because what kind of a moron sticks scissors into their mouth? One word--Desperate.

"Damn it, won't cut it. Crap."

Light bulb starts flashing wickedly above my head. An idea, woohoo!

"Get the wire cutters. This is a wire after all."
Walk out to the garage. Find the wire cutters. They are flippin huge, compared to the mouth they might go in. This could go very wrong. Did I mention I am the worlds biggest klutz?

Go back to bathroom. Grab a wipey, and wipe down the HUGE wire cutters. Hoping I don't get tetanus from them. Open mouth. Shudder. Pull lip back so I look like a damn rabid dog.

"This is attractive. It would be my luck to have someone show up and walk into the house and find me this way, right this instant."

Snort outloud at the thought of someone finding me this way.

Steady my hand a bit.

"Don't crack your tooth. Don't crack your tooth. Don't cut off your tongue. Don't cut off your tongue. Don't cut your lips, please lord almighty don't cut your lips."
SNIP

"Hmmm, still some wire poking out, let me see if it will poke me"
Stick my tongue back there.

"Shit, it is still pokey, and long enough to poke. Great gonna have to trim more. Oh man I am just asking for it. I am surely pushing my luck. Please lord, let me do this right, so I don't have to go to the er and explain why I had wire cutters stuck in my mouth."
SNIP

Check again to see if I will poked and prodded by the teeny bit of wire sticking out.

"Thank the heavens above. I don't have to cut anymore!"

And this is how one comes to have large cutters in their mouth. Willingly.
You just have not lived until you do this!!!