Well, I have been working out an average of 4 times a week for the past, oh I don't know, month and a half. At one point I had lost 4 pounds. I say one point, because now it seems as if I am not losing, but gaining weight. Sigh.
I do at least 30 minutes if not longer on the elliptical machine. I usually burn 300 or more calories. Yet, I am not seeing any difference in my body.
I have cut back the calories. I have added more fruit and veggies and water to my diet. Less of the junk. I have even cut back on soda, which is my only vice. I have one maybe every other day. One. Yet, I do not see any difference in my body.
So I have cut my hormones in half. I can tell you that, this was what I was so leery about when I was put on them. I did not want to gain back the weight I had worked so hard to shed. My crotch doctor, assured me that I needed to be on them, so as to prevent bone loss, because I have no natural hormones anymore. I love my doctor, but I can't take a 20 pound weight gain in the span of one year, with ten of those pounds piling on in like 3 months.
So now I am at a loss. I would stop working out, but I want to be healthy. I want to look good. I want to wear all of the jeans I bought before I got neutered, and gained my second ass back. I don't want to look like a lumpy sack of potatoes, or a sausage about to explode from its' skin. I want to be able to eat, and not freak out because everything I put in my mouth, no matter how healthy it is, will end up in my belly roll, or ass. If I could get my mouth wired shut, I would. At least then I could do the liquid diet thing, because I had to, and while I would miss chewing food, I would get over it.
So today, I have sort of come to the conclusion, that I may be a fat ass for the rest of my days. No matter how hard I work to change it. No matter how long I exercise (and I detest it, but yet I do it). No matter how many carrots, or apples, or bananas, or lemons, or salads I eat, I will be a soft lumpy ball of woman flesh. Sure I have big knockers, but what does that matter, when you felt like your only option is to wear a MooMoo to hide everything else? I mean last time I checked, MooMoos didn't come with sexy cleavage options.
I doubt I will ever see my body as anything other then extremely flawed and unlovable. As much as my husband tells me he loves me just as I am, no matter how many times he tells me I do not look fat, or chunky, or especially fleshy, I will always see the rolls. I will always see what is wrong with me. How does one get past the mirror that always shows your every flaw? Or past the image in your head that makes you see things 100 times worse then they might actually be?
Damn it, where is a Genie when you need one? Because I would wish for a perfect body. Sigh.
2 comments:
Motherly, that's what my sister called it when she had to describe her body. and yep, somethimes that has to be accepted. BUT dont give up please. We have to do what we can... even the dreaded exercise to stay healthy for ourselves and our families. It encourages me when I read about your efforts. even when you are discouraged.
Miki,
Thank you for your kind words! As much as I complain about the exercise, and I do, I will still do it. I don't want to have a heart attack later, because now I decided I was going to give up!
Motherly. I like that!
Thanks!
Robyn
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