Of Funerals And Tears....

I have been awake since yesterday morning. I have had maybe two naps. Both probably amounted to a total of an hour. So I am extremely tired. I tried to sleep last night, and just as I thought I might, it was like my body decided it wasn't to be allowed.

My face feels swollen and tight. Like someone used a bicycle pump to pump up my eyes, and skin, and then for fun, painted my face baboon butt red. I am wreck. In every way imaginable.

This sucks.

I was going to go visit her today, just to see her one last time. I knew she was going to die very soon, I just thought I had more time. I hate myself for not listening to my gut more intently. I wish I had never pooh-pood the anxiety I had last week about her dying.

Strange thing, my older sister felt the same way last week as well. I am not one to generally believe in the paranormal stuff, but it is really hard to explain that. It is also hard to explain that I told my brother on the phone last night, that even though I was told she was going to be ok, that you could never truly be sure in elderly people, because for all we know, she is fine now, but will die later on tonight. Curse my lips and brain.

From everything I have been told, she went quick, and she was not alone. My aunt was with her. Thank goodness for small favors.

Apparently, they were going to watch the Ten Commandments on TV ( the irony is just bizarre), and grammy couldn't get comfy. So she turned on to her side, and then said:
"Oh, Peggy!"
And that was it. She dropped dead right then.

She won't have an autopsy. She didn't want one. She told the doctor, that she didn't want that, or any meds that could keep her alive, or any procedures to extend her life. She was ready to go. I think she missed grandpa, maybe he was calling her. I am not a big believer in heaven and hell. Don't know if there is an afterlife, where your soul goes. I would love to think that there is, and that right now, my grandpa is so happy to see my grammy. That they are both laughing at how upset we all are. That they are both together, with my uncle Tim, and all three are having a ball. That is what I hope.

I hope she didn't feel anything. I hope she is ok. I hope she knows how much I miss her and love her. And how sorry I am for not getting down there to see her.

I am sorry grandma.