So We May Be Looking At Hospitalizing The Six Year Old.....

And I am not happy about it at all.

Spenser had an altercation at school today. Without getting into the nitty gritty, he was sent home early and is not to come back until he has had yet another psych evaluation, or or being admitted to the hospital to stabilize him.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to say to him. Where does he begin, and the monster that is bipolar take over? When is it just a spoiled as hell child having a blue streak, a tantrum, a fit, and when is it a rage because of the disorder?

My life is ever so complicated. I have to try to figure where my son is in all of this. I have begged, pleaded, screamed, ranted, raved, threatened, and cried, all to no avail. He simply does not care, or the disease does not allow him to care. I honestly do not know how much more I can take.

My husband is having his own issues with his bipolar at the moment, so you know I am worried about him as well. I feel like I can't catch my breath. I would cry, but what good would it do?

Now I have to figure out what to do with the child. Does he get hospitalized? Well voluntarily I say no, but it may not be up to me. I have this fear that they will take him from me and hospitalize my baby, shoot him full of drugs, and then hand him back a broken and different child. A child that will fear everything having to do with doctors, and hospitals. A child who will think I have abandoned him, and therefore will learn to hate me even more then he already does. And believe me when I say he does hate me. When the beast takes over, he loves no one, not even himself, and, I have been told how much I am hated so many times, that it now surprises me when he tells me he loves me.

I don't want a lot.

I want him to be happy.

I want him to be able to go to school, and not get thrown out because he cannot keep it together.

I want to have a child who doesn't think about killing himself, because let's face it, he will think that at some point, whether that point be now, or later.

I want a normal, happy carefree child. Maybe that is wrong of me to say that. Maybe that makes me the worst mother ever, which I already feel like, but I just want normal.

I don't want rage and hate and self loathing.

I don't want cursing and hitting and self mutilation(he has not done that yet, but I assume he will sooner or later).

I want what other people have.

A child.

Not a monster in a child's body.

I am all cried out. I am sincerely and utterly stressed out. I may crack. I am at the border of sanity, and ready to jump into crazy town.

What do I do?