I Don't Think I Can Take It.

My stress levels in the past week have gone up an infinite amount. Without going into it completely, because I am in a holding pattern in regards to one of the stresses, I am wiped out.

Last night was rough.

Spenser had a meltdown of epic proportions.

To the point that he hit Rob repeatedly, and bit him, which he doesn't remember. I then told Rob to go away, because honestly he was making it worse. They feed off each other, and in that situation, it was not a positive thing. So I held my near hundred pound child, in a sort of hold so he couldn't go after Rob, or really hurt himself, and I stupidly thought me.

Wrong.

He managed to hit me, kick me, punch my arms and legs, pinch me, poke my eyes, and pull my hair.

I managed not to yell, scream, or hit back. I just sat there and took it calmly, because I did not want it to escalate. It took near 20 minutes to get him to a point where I could let him go. I didn't scold him, or punish him.

I tried unsuccessfully to get him to go to bed. Which caused yet another meltdown. This one more annoying then anything.

For about 20 minutes I repeated "Go to bed please." over and over again. He repeated no, over and over again.

Finally he moved to the bed, covered up and I thanked him and started to leave the room. At which point he got up and tried to engage me in another battle.

At this point, I turned to him and said simply and without emotion:

"I don't care Spenser. I don't care."

Turned around and walked out.

Came out to the kitchen took my Ambien and hormones so I don't go completely bat shit crazy, and sat at my computer. Doing nothing.

He walked out and sat in Rob's chair.

I said nothing. Didn't even look at him. Just ignored him.

Do you know how hard that was?

I wanted to yell at him to freaking listen to me, and to stop acting like a complete ass.

I didn't. It wouldn't have solved anything, and would've made things a lot worse.

He got up and went back to his room.

After 5 or so minutes I went to go to bed. His door was open so I shut it, and then remembered to turn the furnace back on. While I was doing that, he opened his door, and said he was sorry. He was sort of crying.

So I said, "come on, I'll tuck you in. Get in bed."

I could not say that's ok honey, because it wasn't. But I didn't beat him over the head either, or try to make him listen to me telling him it was not good. I simply tucked him in and went to bed.

Except, that was an issue too.

Rob was pissed at me, because I made a stupid mistake, while driving.

I did not get us into an accident, or even cause one. It was one of those things where I flashed my lights at the other person to go, they hesitated, so I started moving, and then they went, so I had to real quick stop. So he got pissed at me for that. Wouldn't talk to me. Actually he pissed me off by being like that.

So anyway he was ticked at me. The dog was in our bed, on my side of the bed. She would not move so I could get the covers smoothed out so I could lay down. He didn't tell her to move. Just watched her sit there. So I got frustrated.

All I wanted to do was to lay down and read my book before the Ambien kicked in and I was dead to the world. But no. So I said to no one in particular:

"Fuck you too."

And walked out.

Went to the toy room, cleared all the toys off the futon in there.

Came out to the living room, grabbed the small lamp from there, brought it to the toy room, plugged it in.

Grabbed a comforter.

Grabbed my pillows before the dog and Rob could claim them too, and went into the toy room to sleep.

I finally passed out after my eyeballs started crossing while reading. Slept until 6, when I was so stuffed up I could not breathe through my nose. Blew my nose, went back to bed and didn't emerge until 8:30.

Rob is still being shitty. Spenser is still being shitty.

And I get a whole 3 day weekend of this.

I don't think I can take it.