A Year Ago...

My grandma had just died. Late in the evening of the 11th.

A year ago, I was in shock.

Today I am still in shock. I cannot believe she has been gone for a year. And I still continue to kick my own ass about not seeing her before she died. She died unexpectedly.

I hadn't seen her for months, because I took for granted that she would always be there. Like a stupid little girl, who doesn't know anything about death, I assumed she would never be gone. Or at least not for a long time. My grandpa had already been gone for 11, or 12 years when she died. She was strong as an ox. Not ill that we knew of, and so none of us expected this. None of us.

Not her 12 children, although one probably knew since he is gone. None of her myriad of grandchildren, or great grandchildren. Not even her own brother.

No one expected to be going to a funeral last April. No one expected to have to go to a funeral, or cemetery. And no one expected her last words were to be:
"Oh Peggy!"

We all expected her to come home from the hospital, after her sudden, at least sudden to us, heart attack. After all the docs said it wasn't that bad and she was to be sprung from the hospital the very next day.

No one knew she had instructed the doctors to not tell us that it was far more serious then we assumed or she told us. No one knew she had told the doctors no extraordinary measures were to be taken if something else happened. And no one knew that not even CPR was to be given, nor nitro, or any intervention. No one knew or realized she was ready to go. Had all but packed her bags, and was hitching her ass out of here.

No one knew.

And so to this day I am completely gob smacked that she is gone.
And very sad. Oh so completely sad. Sigh.