Baby Envy

Today I am going to a baby shower for a friend of mine. She is having twin boys, lucky ducky. Last week I made sure to get all of my shower shopping done, and that is when it hit me hard. I will never have anymore babies. I will never be pregnant again. I will never have any real reason to shop in the baby section anymore. It hurts. A lot. Now all I have been seeing around me when I go out to the store, is pregnant women. I want to go up to them and tell them to enjoy it. Savor every last moment of it. Have your picture taken, a belly cast done, keep a diary. All the things I was going to do if I ever got lucky enough to be pregnant successfully a second time. I want to tell them to make sure you write down every milestone, every giggle, every little thing about the baby when it happens, because that is what I would have done if I had a second child.

Instead, I stare. I stare and try to not cry at the thought of being what basically amounts to a female eunich. To not cry because I will never get to feel the little butterfly movements inside me again. Try not to cry because I will never have another infant in my home, another chance to pass on some sort of immortality in the form of tiny foot prints.

I am not depressed, although it must sound as if I am. I am more or less just fine. Some days I am more fine, some days I am less.

Maybe this is why I am wanting to be a photographer. I can be close to mothers, fathers and children, and have a little slice of forever in taking a photo of them. Maybe my hormones are totally fucked right now, and what seems to be deep thought is really just my chemicals shooting in every direction.

Thoughts to ponder, I suppose!

:)