End of study

Today was the last visit for the study that Spenser was involved in. As I suspected, he was in fact on Depakote. During this study he gained about 4 pounds, and I am not sure if that is the drug, or if he is getting a growth spurt. There have been some changes in him, that we can see. He cries now when frustrated, instead of the all consuming rages he used to have. That is not to say he doesn't rage at all anymore. He does, just not as often, and not as intense, for the most part. He has become apathetic about things though, and this concerns me a great deal. I am trying to figure out how to turn that little quirk around.

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one ever wants to medicate their child. I certainly didn't. But now, I know he needs this medicine, or medicines in this family that can help him. Certainly he could be devestatingly ill, with some terminal disease, so I know it could be worse, but that does not make it easier.

The stress from all of this is starting to get to me. I cry at the drop of a hat now. I am snippy, and surly at times. I am looking for ways to escape my life, and find myself spending vast quantities of time online reading fan fiction, or gossip. I am having the most horrible hot flashes ever. And I have gained some weight, which makes me angry. So I have started back on my diet of eating once a day. Snacking only sparingly, and on things that have little to no calories, and trying to up my water intake, and tea and coffee, as they fill me up. I want to be by myself now too. I have never been comfortable enough to want to be by myself, but now I feel I need to.

I have all of these mixed emotions concerning Spenser, and without going into too much detail, suffice it to say, I feel guilty most of the time for feeling the way I do. I feel like I am constantly under attack from him. I walk on egg shells every day.

To make matters worse, I have found out my mother thinks I am the anti-christ when it comes to Spenser. I will occasionally make sarcastic remarks about him, joking to relieve the stress, never when he is around, and never being serious. You know saying things like he is batshit crazy. Well apparently my mother feels this is an indication of my hatred towards my son. Hmmmmmm, let me think, no, no I don't hate my son. I hate the situation my greediness for a child has brought about. I feel guilty daily for not being able to help him more then I can now. I love him so much it breaks my heart knowing his life is going to be so very hard, and that if he is lucky, he won't kill himself, or hurt himself in every imaginable way. If he is lucky he will someday find a partner who accepts his faults, and loves him in spite of them, and because of them, and has unending empathy for him.
So now I can no longer joke around about him with my mother. Did I mention my mother is batshit crazy? I love her, but damn, she has not a clue of my daily life, and what I go through. All she sees is that I am strict with Spenser and that obviously must be the cause of his issues. And I must hate him on top of that, because I obviously make his life a living hell. Yep, providing my son with ample toys, friends, doctors, and love is just a nightmare.

I think the only thing in my life that doesn't need fixing is my marriage, and I thanks whoever, that I have a good one. I just don't think I could bear to have to deal with the issues that come with having marital problems, or what have you.

I feel my life is pathetic in every way. Nice feeling----not.