The Girl Next Door....

I so love this song. I feel it describes me perfectly.
I have always felt less then beautiful, less then popular, and generally really far down in the pecking order of life.

In high school, I had a best friend, who to me was the epitome of how one should look. She was absolutely thin, she had pretty hair, and she was in my mind very pretty. I always felt lucky, just to be able to hang out with her. The guys always went for her. Even the ones I had crushes on. So it was very hard for me, to myself as anything other then ugly. I mean, I knew I wasn't gorgeous, and impossible thin like her, and I thought I couldn't be absolutely hideous, but it is really hard to see yourself as pretty when everyone around you flocks to your best friend.

One of my most painful experiences in high school came senior year. It didn't start out to be a painful thing, but it certainly ended that way. I was elected to home coming court, which was a huge thing. It was a huge, huge thing for me, because I thought it meant that I was at least a teeny bit popular, and attractive enough to be able to be there. Unfortunately, I was later told, like a week later, that I was elected as a joke, because I was so ugly. That cuts a person to the core you know? To top it off, even if I didn't believe that, I ended up not being able to get a date to the dance. It was just awful. It reinforced that I was a nobody. It reinforced the feeling that I didn't really exist. That the only reason anyone ever would remember me, would be so they could poke fun at me.

Looking back, I realize, that I wasn't ugly. I was just someone they knew could be picked on. I have a picture of me from the dance, and I think now, that I looked good. But what do I know?

To this day, I am very insecure about my looks. When I look in the mirror, I see a person who is over weight, and not so attractive. Some days are better then others, and I won't feel zepplin like, and I even briefly think I may be cute. But never ever do I feel pretty. The one thing I get told over and over, is that I am cute. Not pretty (well my parents tell me I am, but they have to). Not gorgeous. Not beautiful. Cute. I am simply cute. Like a puppy, or fluffy baby bunny. It makes me believe that is all I am, and all I will ever be.

There is only one day ever that I felt pretty. My wedding day. (See Picture To The Right!) I think I only felt pretty then, because I was so happy to be getting married.

So this song fits me perfectly, at least in my mind it does. I completely relate to this.





Small town homecoming queen
She’s a star in this scene
There’s no way to deny she’s lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she’s ugly

Maybe I’m just jealous-I can’t help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen, I’m in the marching band
She is a cheerleader, I’m sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk, I’m sleeping on the floor
She’s Miss America
And I’m just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutante
Everything that you want
Never too harsh or too demanding

Maybe I’ll admit it, I’m a little bitter
Everybody loves her, but I just wanna hit her…

Chorus

I don’t know why I’m feeling sorry for myself
Spend all my time wishing that I was someone else

Chorus
I get a little bit, she gets a little more
She’s Miss America
And I’m just the girl next door

Lyrics by Marti Dodson
Music by Marti Dodson, Pat Buzzard, Kris Misevski,
Dak Goodman, Jeremy Martin
© 2004 Tosha Music (ASCAP)