It was 22 this morning. 22. This sucks some big hairy monkey balls. It is the second day of spring damn it.
Snow is covering my flowers. It is covering the sidewalks. I hate snow. Did I mention that I think snow is the devil? Well it is.
I have a theory that if heaven and hell exist, hell would be Cincinnati in winter. Heaven would be a Florida beach that never had to worry about hurricanes. Of course I don't really think heaven and hell exist. Not in the religious sense.
Personally I think hell is all around us, just as heaven is.
I think hell is having a brain that doesn't function properly. I think hell is having a son who may never reach his full potential because his brain misfires, and he has to be medicated to correct that. Not to mention the medication has side effects that may or may not be permanent.
I think hell is having a spouse who you have to worry if he will be alive when you wake the next morning, or when you come back from the grocery store. I think hell is having a spouse who is the most loving person there is, yet has nothing but loathing for himself, because his brain chemistry is fucked.
I think hell is having a body that refuses to work properly. A body that everytime you get a scratch, a huge, monsterous, ugly scar will form. That everytime you think you are feeling healthy, you get ill. That you have had to have 3 surgeries in 9 months. That you have had 10 surgeries in 12 years. That you can no longer have children. That to even feel like a female you have to take synthetic hormones that really mess with your head and your body.
I think hell is having a stomach that no matter how many crunches you do, will always have a lopsided skin flap, because you had to have a c-section, and then have what amounts to tumors dug out the c-section scar a year and a half later. This of course makes you feel like the whole world can see what a lopsided freak you are. Makes you wish mumus were fashionable.
I think hell is living in a body that even when you weigh 117 pounds, you still see someone who looks about 170 pounds leering back at you in the mirror. That because you see a fat person as a reflection, you starve yourself. You eat only one meal a day. And you like food. That when you actually decide to be healthy and eat healthy you gain so much weight you wish you could stand to throw up. Because you would.
Those are some of the things I think of when I hear the word hell.
Heaven to me is the kisses and hugs you get from your child. The I love you's that you get now because of the meds he is on. The child is happy and funny, and most of the time actually acts like he loves you, which is a change from the previous 6 years of his life.
Heaven is a husband who loves you the way you are. Who tells you you are a beautiful woman. That he loves you and your perceived imperfections. Heaven is waking with him holding you and telling you he loves you, before your eyes even open.
Heaven is making it through the day without starving yourself, and without feeling guilty to have eaten more then a lettuce leaf and glass of water.
Heaven is my husband and son. They are my heaven. Always.
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