Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Gods Of Karma, Please Help.......

Dude, I am desperate.

I am desperate to go to NYC.

I am desperate to see the concert I still have the concert ticket for.

I am just desperate.

It sucks that I am doing nothing but droning on and on about this. But this was a huge event that was going to happen. I mean it will still happen, just not for me. So while there are a ton of people in NYC to see the concert, to hear the music, to absorb the atmosphere that is the concert, I will be here. Stuck in suburbia, cleaning a house, cooking the food, and pouting.

I will be stuck in the same old same old. The day in and day out routine of life, though never boring for me, it is what I was hoping to get away from. For a brief interlude of personal relaxation and fun without having to do the daily grind of getting the child ready, and catering to his every need. It would have simply been me time.

Maybe I am selfish, and conceited and think about what I want, a lot. I think I have earned that right. After all, I am the care taker in this house. I take care of two mentally ill people, and though I love them dearly and would give my life to save theirs, I would have liked the chance to get out on my own for 48-72 hours.

I would have liked the chance to only have to think about me, about what I want to do, how long I want to sleep, what I want to eat, if I want to eat. I would have liked to been able to just do my thing, with out worrying if they would like it too. Without having to worry if it would make them uncomfortable, or uneasy.

There are a lot of things I don't do. Because I know the rest of my immediate family does not like to do them, or it causes them discomfort, so I don't do them. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I just needed a bit of a break.

In my life I try to make sure that they have everything they need, at the expense of what I need or want. I put them before me constantly. It is my job. It is my role. It is what it is. I no longer have my own identity. My identity vanished a long time ago, and only sometimes resurfaces. This was going to be a chance for me to resurface briefly.

This was going to be a chance for me to appreciate what I have, because I would have missed them dearly. When I came back from LA, I was so happy to see them, and they were happy to see me. I felt cherished and appreciated for a couple days afterwards. I wanted to feel that again.

I am bummed. I am depressed. I have given up.

I know I won't go. I know I won't get to have my time. I know that in the long run it doesn't really make one iota of difference, but right now it sure feels that way. It feels like I have been monumentally screwed, and with out the benefit of lubrication. So I can feel every scrape, and friction burn. Repeatedly.

It is not my husband or my son's fault I cannot go. I don't really know who to blame, as I don't want to offend anyone. So in the end I will blame myself for having dreams and desires. For wanting to have time to myself. For being a silly girl.

Sometimes life sucks big hairy monkey balls. Now is one of those times.

Oh yeah, Rob is going out of town this evening. So I am doubly unhappy. He has to go away on business. I just want him home to hold me and tell me I am not being silly, or stupid, or selfish, even if it isn't the truth. Oh well. Can't have everything.

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