Sunday, May 14, 2006

Bored To Death.....


I am bored half to death.

Rob had to go away on business, so I am here, and S[enser is sleeping. The dog is sleeping and farting, which is not all that pleasant.

I went and saw my mom after dropping Rob at the airport. She is having a really difficult day. I knew today would be hard for her. Her first Mother's Day without a mother. I cannot imagine the sorrow and sadness she must feel. I do not look forward to the day when I will have to deal with those same emotions.

On my way to my mom and dad's house, I drove past the area that my grandma used to live in. Normally whenever I would drive that way, in my head I would say hi to grandma. Silly I know, but it is what I would do. Today I started to do that, and had to stop myself. She is no longer there. The house is there. The ground on which she walked is there. The bed in which she slept is there. She is not. She is gone forever, and I am angry at myself for taking her always being there for granted.

I wish I could go back to when she was alive and see her one more time. Tell her I love her one more time. Tell her that even though I didn't see her all that much, that I thought of her and would always love her. That is what I wish I could do.

I also wish I could take my mothers pain from her, so she can be at peace. She will not be at peace for a long time. I know this because this is how it was when my grandpa died. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what it is like to lose my parents. I can only imagine and I think even that is not enough for me to be able to understand how she must feel.

I wish I could make her smile. I wish I could let her know how much she means to me, and that even though she irritates me, and I disagree with nearly everything she says, because you know mother's and daughter's do that, I love her. Instead I gave her a card. I gave her a beautiful framed picture of my youngest nephew--his little fat feet and legs, so cute. I gave her something that is full of life, and yet it felt hollow.

Happy Mother's Day.

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