Life Sucks Ass

I have come to the conclusion, that life just sucks ass most of the time. Like today for example. I have been crying pretty much all day.

I had planned to go on a trip, had the tickets bought, luckily on a credit card. Had everything all worked out, and even though I was scared of where I was going, because I was going by myself, I was still excited to go. I had planned to go to central park and take photos. I had planned to meet up with people who I know through the internet and various forums. Get away, and try to de-stress since my life as of late has been somewhat stressful. Well in the blink of an eye, or the lick of a stamp, all of those plans had to be changed. I can’t justify spending in three days what it would normally take a whole month to earn. Add to that, that I have lost my source of income for the near future, and I really cannot justify it. And I don't really have anyone to blame, just the situation I suppose. But you can't curse a situation out, or beat it up, so you know I have no way of getting out my feelings, really. I am deflated, and totally depressed.

I want to start drinking, but won’t because I have to be the adult in the house who has it together.

I no longer care to eat. The thought of food makes me want to hurl. The thought of cooking food makes me queasy. Since Monday evening, when I had a tiny amount of food for dinner, I have had no solid food. I had maybe a cup of soup last night because I was desperate to fill my tummy. It hurt to eat that.

So now I won’t eat and I don’t know when I will. My teeth still hurt really bad, so even if I had an appetite, I couldn’t eat very easily anyway. Mostly I am feeling sorry for myself.

And maybe that is wrong. Maybe that is selfish and childish. Maybe I should just get over it, but I can’t.

I have been worn down to nothingness from stress. Even though the sun is shining, and it is clear and warm out, I feel nothing but a dark, dank fog around me.

It is clear to me, that for whatever reason, my life will never be easy. I will never get to do the things I want, and that the LA experience was a complete and total fluke, which karma has now decided it must prevent happening again.

I will not have a child who is normal, and happy.

I do not and will not have a husband who is happy, and can be left untormented by the demons he is constantly fighting.

I will not ever be able to get ahead in life. I will always just scrape by, and run on nothing but fumes and disappointment.

I guess some people are just born unlucky. I think I am one of those people. The only thing I can think of is that in a previous life I must have been a real asshole, because this life is relatively shitty.

At least that is how it feels right now. Ask me tomorrow how I feel. I might have a different spin on it then.