Wednesday, June 21, 2006

How To Become The Media's Punching Bag.....

Here are a few tips if you want to become one yourself.

First, make sure you come from humble beginnings. The press loves a rags to riches to rags story. It would be best if you came from a shanty town, with no indoor plumbing or actual schools, thus making your story all the more impressive.

Second, work your way up to becoming famous. Start out at lowly waiter jobs, doing auditions in your spare time. Then do a couple made for TV movies, a play, some modeling, some really horrible low budget movies in which you die almost instantly. That sort of thing. This will be important in your career later. Everyone loves a pulled up by your own boot straps story.

Third, make sure to audition for every single role you hear about. Don't let one get past you. Make sure that you have the cheesy required head shots, and video reel, to show your "acting skills". Just make sure the head shots are of your face, not the other head, and the video reel is of you actually acting standing up and acting, not say a porn movie that you had to do because you were short rent that month, and needed groceries, and your cat had to have surgery, and you had an abscessed tooth.

Fourth, after you "hit the big time", buy your first multi-million dollar home. On a big huge hill in Hollywood. Purchase your first non used new car. Make sure it is either really huge, or really foreign. Everyone will love to see how you have become a success, and this will certainly show them. Just don't let anyone know you are mortgaged up to your eyeballs trying to pay for everything, because your first check has just barely covered all of your debts from working your way up the Hollywood ladder of fame.

Fifth, make sure you give an interview to one of the gossip rags about how you cannot believe how lucky you are. How happy you are now that you have made it to the big time. Make sure the interviewer doesn't see the real reason why you are happy. Make sure you have an assistant check your nose, veins, etc., so that you have no evidence from your chemical happiness during the interview. Make sure your assistant has mints, makeup and Visine to hide any after effects from "getting happy"!

Sixth, get married, even if you are not straight. People do not accept things that will make you oh so much different from them. They will accept that you are artistic, have money, and are very spoiled now, they will not accept that you are as flaming as a baked Alaska if you are male, or that you like laying carpet as much as Buddy's Carpet Barn if you are female.

Seventh, go on a bender after you realize you just sold your soul to the Tinseltown devil. Make sure when you go on this bender you either pick up a gaggle of hookers (your choice on the gender, but obviously if you want to make a big splash, make sure they are same sex hookers), a case of cheap whiskey, a carton of even cheaper cigs, and a couple different varieties of illegal recreational aids. Or all of the above. Smash up your car, or the hotel room you are staying at. Have the police called. Here is where it gets tricky: you don't want to be locked up forever, so, it would be best if the illegal recreational aids are gone and the hookers are gone as well. This of course means you most likely be high, drunk, and have visible evidence of "lovin" on you, when the popo visit. This is why you have a good pr person, and friends in high places. After being picked up for being an ass of immense proportions, you make your phone calls, and you are sent almost instantly to either a mental hospital for "mental exhaustion", or go to rehab to "head off serious addiction problems that may be currently in the beginning stages". You will get some sympathy, and also you will get some criticism. Remember all press is good press.

Eighth, start going to church to show you are a changed person. If you can make it a regular church, and not some whacked out space alien church, that is even better. Just remember, as long as you are seen going to church you can still continue getting wasted in every way possible outside of church. People while not totally believing you have changed will want to believe. This will set the general public up for your eventual down fall into poverty and filth.

Ninth, start brawling with anyone in your path. Little kids, old women, small dogs, and mentally handicapped people. This is your beginning of the end. Make it count. Also you might want to have some horrible plastic surgery. Just to complete the bat shit crazy look you are going for now. Also, keep up with the drugs and alcohol.

Tenth, declare bankruptcy. Then after everything is taken, go on various talk shows to tell everyone how you were screwed over by everyone else, and that it was in no way your fault that you turned out to have the crappy life you now live. Make sure you put out claims of prior abuse from family members, clergy, and general public. Do not bathe regularly, remember you are trying to become the national punching bag, George Bush will thank you later for this. Join a whacked out cult. Change your name to something truly bizarre, like Goat Cheese Raspberry Dancer. Your transformation is complete. You have gone from rags to riches, to rags again. Make sure your death, whenever it may be is a tragic one. That way you will be talked about forever.

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