Tuesday, June 20, 2006

How To Become A Media Darling.....

Some tips on how to become a media darling.

First adopt a kid from a third world country. This shows that you are all heart, and full of love and light and goodness. Everybody loves a heart warming story, and this will be that. It will also take the spot light off of your other activities, such as sleeping around, wearing blood vials, and getting horrendously tacky tattoos.

Second, after adopting said third world kid, parade the child around in the newest fashions and hairstyles. Don't forget to name the child something really cool, and not ordinary. No Tom, Dick, Harry, Peter, Mike, George, or Daniel. Must be a really cool name that starts other people naming their offspring the same.

Third, have the various gossip mags get copious photos of you and said third world child. Makes sure the photographers get shots of you carrying the child, smiling at the child, kissing the child, hugging the child, and playing with the child. This will again take the focus away from your crazy behavior, such as blood vial necklaces, sex with multiple partners all at once, and tacky ass tattoos.

Fourth, make horrible movies, but make sure to let the media know that you do it so that you can give away 1/2 of your earnings to good causes. Causes that are important in helping people live productive lives. Causes such as: Lipo for Hippos, Shoes for foot amputees, and Hair bleaching for brunettes.
The media loves a giver. Just make sure they don't hear about the various std's you have generously given to others.

Fifth, make a high budget action movie with a happily married sex symbol. This will cause all sorts of buzz around the water coolers of America. Make sure the movie is one where you have sex scenes and things blowing up. Have pictures released of you and said married stud holding hands. Deny any affair rumors with something to the effect of: "I would never sleep with a married man." Make sure to leave out the part about: "But I sure as shit would shag him rotten, just no sleeping."

Sixth, adopt a second third world victim. Make sure to let the media know you are doing such. Then instead of inviting the media hoons around for pictures of the newest family member, go out and do "fun" things with both children. Like bungee jumping from the Eiffel Tower, at night, in a snow storm, with no helmets. Don't forget to alert the paparazzi to document you in an "unguarded" moment with your children, that shows just how great and what a fun mom you are.

Seven, have the married stud hang out with the oldest kid where he can be photographed with the kid. Then have him photographed holding the second third world child. Then release a statement saying you are just friends, and that you in no way helped end the married stud's marriage. Make sure that when you go out together you never stand closer then ten feet apart to each other. But you can still make googly eyes at one another. Have various pr people release statements denying anything about a relationship--even if no one has said anything about a relationship between the two of you.

Eight, go into not so secluded hiding. Make sure paparazzi can get pics of the "happy family" together. Show some "father-son" bonding moments. Show some "father-daughter" bonding moments. Then have the soon to be non-married stud apply to adopt your adopted children. Do not under any circumstances confirm your relationship to anyone. Keep everyone guessing.

Nine, get pregnant with lover boy's spawn. Do not say anything to confirm or deny that you are indeed knocked up. Go traveling to third world countries, where you can bribe the government to keep you left alone. Make sure to leak to the press that you will be having your child in a third world hut. This will make everyone think you are such a wonderful person for not going the traditional route for birth in a hospital with all the modern medical equipment one should have. It will show just how much you care about your unborn child that you don't have to have competent doctors, clean water, germ free, dysentery free hospital rooms to give birth. Hell if you can time it right, give birth while out in the field, with several hundred paparazzi around. Wow! That'll show everyone just how down to earth you really are. It will also take the prying eyes off the whole cheater, cheater pumpkin eater, ass of a now non-married boyfriend you have taken up with.

Ten, sell pictures of your first born. Then you can tell everyone just how great you are because you gave all the money from selling the pictures of your first born, to charity. You know the charities I mention in step number four. Everyone loves a giver. Just don't let anyone know that the reason you had a c-section is because you were having a Herpes flair up, not because the baby was breech. Plus major
surgery + third world country = great sympathy and press accolades about how brave you were. Again taking the focus of the now non-married ass you are shacking up with.

Those are just the first ten steps in becoming a media darling. More to follow later.

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