Friday, December 22, 2006

Help Me Understand, Because I Just Don't...

I want to know how people can just walk away from their children, and not really give a fuck?

I want to know how it is possible to stop being a parent once you actually have kids?

I want to know how you shut that part of your brain off.

I can't do it.

Sure, Spenser spends lots of quality time with his grandparents, but I never stop thinking about him, or how I could do things for him, with him. I worry about him, wonder what he is doing, if he is behaving, does he miss me?

It is never out of sight, out of mind. Never.

So I don't get how a parent can do that. More to the point a mother, since a mother is the one who carries and nurtures that fragile little life in her body for all those months. Is there a switch that gets turned off when someone decides parenting is no longer what they want to do?

I then start to wonder if the person loves the child, because it truly doesn't seem possible to love a child, yet not give a flying fuck about them. I mean, that is what empty promises seem like, a lack of love and caring.

I don't know, it just boggles my ever loving mind. My older siblings mother did this to them.

And I have never been able to figure out how she lives with herself, knowing that she missed out on all the milestone, simply because she no longer wanted to be a parent.

I think about that around this time of year frequently, because I cannot comprehend it, I suppose. My siblings are very lucky that my mom stepped in and took over and became their mother, in every sense of the word. They are lucky that she filled the mother gap.

But still, I know it hurts them that their own biological mother, wanted nothing to do with them while they were growing up.

I guess not everyone is meant to be a parent.

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