How Do You Know?

How do you know when you've pushed someone away, when all you wanted was to bring them closer?

How do you know if you will ever feel any better? Physically? Mentally?

How do you know that you're not going to be gone tomorrow?

I am in one of those moods.

I want answers to questions, that for the most part cannot be answered. I want to be able to have days where all I feel is nothing but the sunshine. I don't want to feel sick, or weak, or tired, or doped out all the time. I don't want to have to worry that I will have yet another surgery. That I may have a bigger problem then what the doctors think, because I am young, and then because of that ignorance, my life is potentially threatened.

I want to know how you can love someone so much it hurts, and yet still have yet more room in your heart for another person, or two or three?

I want to know why people are the way they are, why they do the things they do, and why I always feel on the edge of anything and everything. I want to know why I feel less then most everyone else, on a daily basis.

I want to know why people who are supposed to be your friends stop communicating with you. Leave you high and dry with no explanation, except for the silence that was once where their voice and presence was.

See, one of those moods.

I am tired. Of just about everything, well everything that has to do with me, and this whole hideous first three months of the year. Guess it is time for more medication. Yippee.