I hate you.
I wish you were never born.
You are a mistake.
You are stupid.
These are things that should never be said by a parent to a child. And in a perfect world, they wouldn't. We don't live in a perfect world, and so unfortunately many children hear this.
So I went to the shrink yesterday. It is good to have someone to talk to, a sort of impartial listener. Someone whose only interest is in listening to you and helping you figure out how to deal with things. It is also hard work to admit to things in your past, that have for better or worse shaped how you are.
It is hard to admit that yes, you heard those words, from your mother. That you have been beaten before, because you were a child, doing those things that children do. That your mother had to put makeup on your 8 year old face, to hide the bruises she caused. Or that you never ever wanted to make her angry, because you didn't want to find out how she would react.
It sucks to admit that your father didn't do anything to intervene, and tell her to stop. That he allowed himself to be bullied and his children abused. And it sucks to admit, to yourself, and to others that you feel the way you do---fat, ugly, stupid and not worthy of anything, because your own mother, the person who gave birth to you, abused you.
I am trying to work on it. I know I will never get an apology from her. Nor will she ever admit to doing anything wrong. And so it is of no use to me, to pursue it with her. Will cause only bad things, feelings and what not. So I have to work on me. I have to realize that I didn't deserve it, and maybe I am not ugly. Maybe I am not stupid. Fat, well you know who the fuck knows, I certainly am not wasting away into nothingness.
I want my parents to have a relationship with my child. They have changed enough that I know they will never harm him. I think he will get value from knowing his grandparents. And they treat him the way I wanted to be treated as their child.
So while I love them, and make no mistake I do love my parents, I am not particularly happy with them, or like them. Maybe one day I can resolve the second part of that. And learn to like them.