So this afternoon I go to my doctor. He is going to be unhappy with me, because I did not call him after what happened last week. Really though, what else was there to do? I readjusted my dose back up to 120, and although I am still not 100%, I am a hell of a lot better.
I don't want to go to the hospital, which is probably what would have been suggested, so, really, I don't know. I guess I am just justifying not calling him. Which, I suppose is the whole point of having said doc.
It is hard for me to accept help, to admit I need help. I don't know why. Even with small tasks such as cooking, or cleaning the house, even doing the laundry. So to admit I need help with the things that swirl in my head, is very, very difficult. I have made great strides with the doc though, and for the most part I trust him. He is also another authority figure, and I want to sort of impress him with how well I am working through all my shit. So last Tuesday will most assuredly mar that.
We shall see how this goes. I am nervous.
In other news, I have a job. Outside the home. For the first time in 9.5 years, I am working outside the home, 2 to 3 days a week. It is an office job. I work on computers, answer the phone, manage the office, sort of. I like it. It isn't hectic, at least not now. I get to use my brain. I get to be around adults, I get to use new computer programs. It is cool. I really like it. I hope I continue to really like it.
Of course this means that someone has to get Spenser off the bus on the days I work, and in the summer watch him.
I am hoping my mother in law can take him during the summer. We had Rose getting him off the bus last week, but after an incident last Friday, that will not be happening. Suffice it to say, I am not happy with her, or her reaction.
I know what Spenser did was wrong, (he got in trouble for doing it) but to flat out tell me, knowing that he has issues, and is medicated, and ten million other excuses, that what he did was fucked up, and that Rob and I (mostly me I suppose) should have thought about how me taking the job would affect him, is condescending, and extremely hypocritical. Holy run on sentence Batman!
She has had jobs before. Her children are by no means perfect angels. And yet, my child with 2 diagnoses, is fucked up and it's my fault. Ok, whatever.
So yesterday Rob's dad was kind enough to grab Spenser off the bus and hang with him for the hour and a half until we got home. I can only hope that he can do that again, and that the summer will be cool with them. They are the best family one could hope for.
Well enough ranting, I must go shower before the flies start buzzing me. Ick.