So a couple weeks back, the doc decides that maybe I should wean off the Cymbalta, that maybe it is making my body hurt, more then it helps. So I very slowly was supposed to wean off of the med. You know, go from 120 to 90, then eventually 60, and then 30 and then switch to another med altogether? So after a week and a half on the 90 dose, and me being bitchy, snapping at Spenser, and just generally not feeling good, I snapped on Tuesday.
Rob was having issues, and nothing I said made it better. In fact in my mind it made it worse. I felt no love, no compassion, nothing. Just frustration, pain, and massive amounts of anger. I felt bad for telling him to give me a fucking break, because he took it literally. It was awful.
I stewed the whole way home from dropping him off at work. And it just got worse from there. By the time I got home, i was so angry, that I literally could not think in a sane manner. I wanted to break things, myself included. I kicked my dresser. I punched the walls several times, which hurt my hands more then the walls. I slammed doors. Then I was really mean and hurtful to Rob. It was as if I had been possessed I was trying to pick a fight, get him to be mean to me. And it seemed at the time, reasonable.
And then I told him that if there had been a gun in the house I would have killed myself. And I was serious.
I then went to the knife drawer and got the only clean knife in the drawer, which happened to be a curved boning knife. And the only thing I can say is that at the time, it seemed logical, it seemed like it was the only thing to do. Also, it was as if I was watching it--like a movie.
I tried, obviously unsuccessfully, thank heavens, to slice my wrist open. Mostly I scratched it deeply. And bruised it, and then a dear friend showed up and literally saved me from myself until the full dosage of meds could kick in somewhat.
Needless to say, I am mortified. I am scared about what to tell the doc, and what his reaction will be. I have not told anyone except a few close friends, because I am ashamed of what I attempted to do.
And I now understand how devastating it must be for Rob to feel that way 85% of the time.