Sunday I am going to a baby shower for my sister in law (well technically they are not married, but still she may as well be my sister in law!).
Last night as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing, so in order to quiet it, I thought about my brother becoming a father.
I am envious.
I am betting his child will be perfect--as in neuro-typical. And for that I am happy for him.
Envious, but happy.
Mostly I am envious because I had always wanted more than one child. And that didn't happen. And short of a miracle, will never come to pass.
Since being neutered, I no longer have the option to even entertain the thought of having another child. And because of the mental illness in this family unit, I can't realistically entertain the option of a child through adoption, or fostering.
Then I shake myself and go stop. Be thankful for what you have. Be happy that your child is 11, and doesn't wear diapers. No middle of the night feedings.
And I am thankful. But I am also mournful at the same time.
I thought I had gotten to the point that I wouldn't have these feelings. I don't want to be envious. I don't want to have to remind myself to be thankful for what I have. I just want to not feel like this.
Guess I will just suck it up and be the best aunt and sister ever!