Pity Party--Table For One!

Well both of the guys in my life are in bed already. It is just after 8 in the evening.

My husband has been in bed since shortly after he got home from work at 4:30. He is having a rough time of it lately. The bipolar beast has decided it would come out again to play. Only when it comes out to play, he usually gets hurt. I feel helpless, because I can literally do nothing, except keep the house in order and deal with Spenser. Right now I have no desire to deal with the house work, but I shall do it anyway.

Spenser has been home from school all day because of the stupid snow. He has been complaining that his chest hurts, right under and to the side of his nipple. I am not sure what that is all about. Worries me though. After I made and fed him dinner, he got his comforter and pillow, and laid on the couch with it, and promptly fell asleep. He never does that unless he feels unwell. I suppose he needed the sleep. I have just got him into his bed for the evening.

I am now alone. Nothing to do aside from stupid house work, because really is there any other kind of house work? I mean I have yet to see smart house work.

I am a people person in a house full of non people persons. I feel utterly alone. I have to be the strong one now. I have to be the happy one. I have to be the one who holds everyone else together. I never imagined that my life would be this way. I always thought someone would be taking care of me, the way I take care of everyone else. I mean even my mother is telling me how depressingly miserable she is. Is no one happy anymore?

It gets tough being the strong one. I am not strong. I am the antithesis of strong. I am weak willed and wimpy. I have virtually no will power in anything in life. I never feel good enough. For anything or anyone. I have people who are close to me who are strong and vibrant and seemingly perfect. I know they are because I get to hear this about them. Over and over I get to hear how wonderful they are, and all the while my self confidence gets pushed down even more into the dark pit of despair that is my shattered soul. My life is a never ending battle for self assurance. I fear I will never be good enough for anyone, at least in my own eyes.

But I put on my act. I paste on my smile, bebraced though it may be. I act spunky and perky. I say the right things. I do the right things. I have everyone fooled. Deep down I know that by doing this act, everyone else gets to feel better, even if I don't.