I was thinking today of death. I often think of death. Not in the "I want kill myself" way. More of the "Oh shit everyone dies, and I don't want to die, therefore I am scared shitless," way.
I have always been terrified of dying. Ever since I was a little girl. It seriously scares me. Like to the point of a panic attack. Usually right before I fall asleep, I have the thought of, "oh shit what is it like to die?"
I don't know why. It's not like I want to think about death. It just scares me. I wonder if when you die, that is it? I mean obviously it is it for your body. But do you like still know what is going on? Do you get passed on into another body, like reincarnation? Or is it all black?
I think the uncertainty of it all is what scares me the most.
Then I start thinking about the people that get left behind. I get scared and sad for my son, who has no siblings. I get worried that he will feel left alone, which I admit is very egocentric, but still.
It just gives me the heebies.
Of course my mind just races at night anyway, and this is only one of many things that fly through the vast hallways of my mind before sleep finally takes me. And before anyone asks, I take two benedryl every night, or else I do not sleep. I don't really want to take sleeping pills, but if it would stop my mind from zooming around every corner, I would.