Saturday, June 24, 2006

How To Become A Public Parenting Pariah

As there have been so many celebrity baby births this year, I thought I would give a blow by blow account of how to become a disgrace as a parent-ala Britney.

First, hook up with a really skeezy douche bag of a guy. The sleazier the better. After all, this shows that you really do not care what others think of your choices, and it must be "true love" since he is such a skankarific dumb ass.

Second, to make the package complete, this loser should already have at least one kid. It would be better if said sperm donor has two--a toddler and a baby that is yet to be born. This ensures that your "great love affair" will be in every single newspaper on earth. You will have drama, anguish, love, and of course attention.

Third, make sure you two are seen smoking and drinking--a lot. Also you may want to dress in a sleazy way to compliment your "new love". Go to gas stations and go to the bathroom bare foot. That is klassy, with a K!

Fourth, get married even though your parents beg you not to. Have a small wedding in which you change your dress twice. One of those times you need to change into a short skanky trailer trash wedding gown. You know, one that just about show cases your hoo ha? Make sure you have deep fried twinkies, pickled pigs feet, velveeta cheese dip, fried chicken, and Kentucky round steak as your food choices. For the cake have your mom make the most gawd awful cake ever seen. Sell pictures to every no name publication. Make sure they get pictures of you and your groom and wedding party in the specially made track suits with sayings on the backs of the jackets. Something like "Crack whore" for the women, and "Murderous John's" for the men. (Kentucky round steak for those of you not familiar, is bologna, Y'all!)

Fifth, get pregnant. Make sure everyone knows you are pregnant five seconds after conception. Make sure every rag mag out there get pics of you and your "pregnancy acne" and huge ass belly, and ass. Again shoes are optional. Go walk in gas station bathrooms barefoot. Heck, after all you are just a small town girl, in a big cruel city, they just do not understand you. Besides Mama did that when she was pregnate with you, and look how fine you turned out. Jello is funny!

Sixth, rent out the whole maternity floor at a posh hospital. Give birth via c-section so you don't have to worry about your hoo ha stretching out. While getting c-section, have them give you a tummy tuck, after all, no one will notice since you have just had a c-section for "medical reasons"--herpes outbreak, and above stated hoo ha stretching. Remember, Mama always said the key to a mans heart was a tight hoo ha and killer abs. Look how Mama scored in the marriage/man category. Yee haw!

Seventh, do a cheesy ass pictorial spread in several competing magazines. Use that new baby for all he is worth. You named him a normal name (thank god) so now you have to exploit him in every other way. Have them take shots of his first poo. His first spit up. His first fart. He is the goose that laid the golden egg! Run with it!

Eighth, before being cleared to have sex, go ahead and indulge with A-1 Doofus McDorkpants. Be sure to get knocked up again. Everyone loves a baby story! Woo hoo, more tabloid fun!

Ninth, while out getting coffee, which you have your assistant/bodyguard get, you stay in the running car with your tiny baby. You pick your nose hoping the tabloid photographers see this. They do. You decide to up the stakes, and pick up the wee babe.
Did we mention you are in the drivers seat?
Your body guard comes back with your Grande- half fat-half caf-no-whip-double shot-half chocolate-half caramel-vegan-mocha- frapaccino lite-over ice. You decide to forget about the car seat, who needs it, time to teach the wee babe how to drive! Off you go, playing cops and robbers with your first born in your lap as you navigate ten lanes of high speed traffic. Every so often make sure to yell "rat-a-tat-tat", and make gun shapes with your hands to show the baby how to pretend to fire on the "bad guys". Don't forget that while you are driving, holding your child, teaching him the fine art of cops and robbers, talking on your cell phone to your personal assistant about getting your back waxed, you crack waxed, and your mustache waxed, that you need to drink you coffee confection so it doesn't get "all yucky". Yep, car seats are for suckers.

Tenth, when the press sees what an idiot you were for doing number nine, release a statement about how you feared for your life and the life of your bodyguard, I mean child. So you had to get out of dodge quick like. Besides you are the bestest driver you know, and none of your 255 traffic accidents were your fault. Anyway where you grew up, they let you ride on the roof of the car when you were coming home from the hospital, and you never got hurt, and just look how smart you are, and how well your life turned out. Butterflies are great.

Eleventh, have a nanny take care of your child. When the baby "falls" out of the high chair at 4 months old, because good lord he is crawling and climbing already, blame it on the damn nanny. Everyone knows that if you would have been there nothing would have happened to your precious wee lad. Besides when you were a baby, you fell out of everything your parents ever put you in--beds, chairs, couches, dryers, freezers, back seats of cars, horses without saddles, etc. And you turned out just fine. Cheese is my friend.

Twelveth, while holding the wee lad, go for a walk, make sure you are wearing 14 inch wedgie platform shoes, and a pair of jeans that is 12 inches too long so that you are constantly stepping on the hem. Then just for fun, go out for a walk on a busy road with at least twenty 6 inch wide potholes, and glass of some clear liquid (certainly not gin or vodka, cause, gosh Y'all I am pregnate). If you can time it so that you almost drop the wee lad, but not spill a drop of your "liquid refreshment", all the better. Watch that wee lad's head bounce around like a super ball in a Wal*Mart store. Remember, your Mama almost dropped you everyday when you were a baby, and you turned out great. Hot dogs can sing yankee doodle dandee.

Thirteenth, give a teary interview with a morning show host. Make sure to dress up in your best maternity wardrobe fashions. Too small tanks tops + no bra with saggy boobs = great fashion! Chew your gum like a cow chewing its' cud. Cry, cry, cry me a river. After all you are just a poor innocent country girl who had all of this done to you, when you were a baby. And look how you turned out, just fine! The space aliens play at midnight.

More later on how to raise your kids with "country" goodness, ala the Spears clan.

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