But it was a moment of clarity for me.
Or insanity, take your pick.
I often feel as though I give myself to others, 100%, and others take that as a cue to use me. It annoys me that I let myself get taken advantage of. Yet, it happens over and over.
I am nice.
I like to help others.
But I also like to hear a thanks every now and then, or at the very least, a fuck off, if you are done with me.
It doesn't help that lately I have been under enormous amounts of stress, so things are magnified by like a 1000. Everything seems more potent when you are under stress to be the strong one. Especially when you feel anything but strong.
I am not strong, or at least I don't feel that way. I feel I have no other acceptable option. I can't run away, even though I often wish I could. I can't just sit on this fat ass o'mine and let my child suffer because I don't want to deal with his illness. And I can't tell the two people I love the most to just grow up when they are not well. So I have no other option but to be here, and to deal with all the heavy shit my life brings. So when I have people I thought were friends sort of ditch me, or blow me off through ignoring me, or not communicating with me, it hurts.
So it is just one more thing to have deal with. And that sucks. Of course I could always stop making friends. Nah. I like people generally!