Monday, September 03, 2007

Frustration At All Time High Level!!!!!!

Life being what it is and all, is really starting to frustrate the fuck out of me. It is really multiple things, and this sense of impending doom.

Big word that doom is.

However it is the appropriate word. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I feel like certain people do not appreciate me in the least, only when it is convenient for them. And I just want to get some recognition that I am a decent, well meaning, and good person. The only person who ever really tells me this, is Rob. Thank god/dog/whatever you believe.

I feel like I am drowning right now. Memories of things surface taking my breath away, making it hard to believe that I was ever really loved by my parents, or that I was wanted. And it pisses me off.

Why now?

Why am I needing to deal with this right this very instant?

I would much rather stick my freakin head in the sand and pretend nothing wrong has ever happened.

However I can't.

It's like a fucking broken record playing in my mind. I can't stop the melody (memories), or anything related, like the sense of anger, disappointment, discontent.

And I am tired of it.

I have to find a therapist, who I can unload all of this shit on, however I have to wait and see what insurance we have, because it is possibly changing.

Phred, is um, freaking out. He is all over the place. I try to reach out and help, but he slaps my hand away nearly every.single.time.

It is frustrating, because I am only trying to help. I am not wanting anything from him at the moment, because that is not what he needs. He needs a shoulder, an ear, and some compassion.

However when I offer these things, he refuses them, and to be honest, it pisses me off, frustrates me, and basically I don't feel like offering any of that again.

Then I talk to him, and feel bad for feeling that way.

It is a vicious little circle. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.

Rob has not been feeling well physically. Mentally he is pretty stable. A little snippy, but you know we all are.

He is exhausted all the time. His tummy is constantly upset. And he has other symptoms that freak me out.

I am hoping he will go to the doctor this week.

Why not make the appointment for him?

Force him to go?

Yeah that doesn't work with him. I have been after him to go. He has to decide when he wants to go.

Of course, all of these things freak me out, and I am afraid something is really wrong with him. I have no idea how I would deal with that, or how he would. And certainly Spenser would not deal well at all with that.

Happy labor day.

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