Friday, August 03, 2012

I knew it would blow up

Dear Family,
I have let you go from Facebook because I do not feel it makes our relationships stronger.  I feel it makes them weaker. 
Every little post is over analyzed and commented upon. 
You see the things I post and it makes you angry and think I am overzealous, self-pitying, overly dramatic, etc.  I see the posts you make, and I feel the same exact things.  This does not make for a strong relationship.
In the beginning I though it would be a great way to keep in contact with everyone as spread out as we all were.  Everything was shiny and new and bright, like a freshly minted penny.

And then the first bit of tarnish appeared--a weird post here, a strange like there, and it began to build up. 
We crazily mixed politics with family, opinions with well wishes, back handed compliments with true concern. 
In short, that shiny penny was no more.

So I fell back.

Pushed back what I wanted to see to only very important things, and allowed you only what I wanted you to see of me.  The tarnish slowed down.  I thought it was a great middle ground. 

And I was mistaken.

It took one set of comments back and forth for me to realize that no matter what I said, you couldn't tell if I was being sincere or snarky.  If I was being mean, or dramatic, or just trying to be the opposite of you.  That once shiny new penny was now a crusted over piece of crap.  It had no value.
And so I did what I thought was right, ethical.  I let you go from my portion of Facebook.  No goodbye cruel Facebook post.  Just gently let you go, like a cloud in the night.  It was a difficult choice for me, but I know you won't see it that, and you don't see it that way.

I know this because you,  family are going on and tittering and making fun of the "overly dramatic" me.

Not one of you have even stopped to consider that maybe you should email me, and see what is going on.  See why I made the choice I made.  You all assume that I am being a brat.  No one sees that I did this for a sense of self preservation. 
That I thought this was the best response to an impossible situation.

I think that is what makes me saddest of all. 
You all have assumed the worst and decided it is easier to poke fun at me than actually talk to me.  Pretty much nailed into place what I had in the back of my mind about my family of origin.  I have never really felt like I had a place in the family and this pretty confirms it.  I no longer want to be a part of this.  It makes me sick to think the only family I can count on is the family I married into (great people) and my family of friends.  I feel sad for my son that his maternal side of the family is going to be non-existent.  That his grandparents will miss out on so many things.  But I have to do what I think is best for him, for me and my little family.

So Facebook is now just a place for friends. 

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