Monday, November 26, 2007

Thanksgiving Is Ovahhhhh!

And we are now upon the season of giving, er, uhm, or some stupid shit like that the retailers of America want you to think. Personally I think tis the season for consumerism, falalalala, lalalala!

I have my tree up already, even going so far as to buy lighted evergreen garland to "spruce" (hahahaha)it up a little this year. At least that way the devil tree will have lights a shining. I think it was 2 years ago that I first battled the devil tree.

Devil tree.

That is the first part of the saga. There is yet a second part of the saga that you can read here:

Devil tree part 2.

And yet there is a third part. That would be this weekend. When I got said lighted garlands and put them on the tree in order to keep this tree. I love this tree. I have not been able to find a suitable replacement. Last year, at the end of the year, I went through and picked all of the old burnt out lights off, one at a time. Ugh. Do you know how many ties they put on a tree to keep the lights on it?

A bazillion. Seriously. Bazillion.

Talk about a waste of hours. I mean, hours. It took forever. Then you have to restring the tree. Which means you have to figure out how to get the lights on the tree so they stay on and work. Nice.

So this year, I thought I would look for a tree like what I have, again, for the 550th time. No dice. I cannot find a tree anything like what I have, anywhere. So what to do? I hate the look of artificial trees. They look, well artificial. Plus they are difficult for a person of my size, to put together, and haul up and down in and out of the attic. So I decided to do a little creative sprucing to keep the tree in tip top shape. I go to Wal*Mart, butt hole of the universe. I get 4 boxes of lighted garland to wrap on the tree. (The tree is a spiral tree, so this works. There are no individual branches...)

Come home, unload all the crap, put the tree up. Unwrap garlands. Figure out how to put the garland on the tree, the first garland. Get that figured out, and start on the second. Half way wrapped around the tree, I see something funny. A light bulb has been broken on the brand new garland.


I plug in the strand, to see if the lights still work. This is an incredibly stupid move on my part. Because then, after seeing the lights come on, I must move the garland, and they flicker off. I go to the broken bulb and start fiddling with it. It is still plugged in.

Zzzzzzzt. I get shocked.

It was odd. I couldn't exactly pull my hand away, and yet, it I threw it away from me. And sat there, shaking. Feeling all jittery and oogly, like I had just taken a hit of speed, ( or what I imagine speed must be like, as I have no idea). My heart is pounding. And my wrist is sore. You see, it wasn't my fingers that got the shock.

Oh no. Couldn't be that simple. It was my wrist. Right where all the veins and arteries are. And there appear 2 small dots. Most likely where the shock burnt into my wrist, through the broken light bulb. Not my brightest moment ever.

So I unplug the thing. Take down the garland, get a replacement bulb, replace said electrifier, and then put it back on the tree. Get the other 2 put on, put the beads on, put the ornaments on, and then the ribbon.

To me it looks fan-fucking-tastic. However getting it to that stage certainly took some work.

And then last night, I notice it is leaning. So today, I will be figuring that out. I tell you, the tree is possessed.

Truly possessed.

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